So, I’m broken hearted. I fell in love. It was short, it was sweet. I am cracked open. It is not the first time I’ve felt this.
It was an ill-advised choice; he was clear from the start that he was getting over a broken heart of his own, and that he didn’t want a relationship. But I wanted him anyway…I couldn’t help myself. Ever done that before, moved ahead anyway even-though all the signs said that you’d end up where I am now? Is it the challenge, the off the charts chemistry, the heart connection?
Well, here I am, having to take the advice that I give so many of my clients.
You mustn’t close; if you do, you end up closing to yourself.
This is so true…so, what does staying open to me mean? Well, I just went through a few weeks of profound, deep, gut wrenching catharsis. I was at a “meditation” intensive during much of it. Don’t worry my meditation school encourages catharsis, so, although not on theme, I let myself shake, howl, be held, be reflected.
Something a friend reflected to me was “don’t let yourself pretend you don’t still have feelings for him”. Hah, I realized that I was trying to not think of him, or feel the desire in my belly and my heart, in my skin. The deep desire to be held, to be in his energy, to be made love to. Deep sensations in my body. This happens to me when I make love to a man; I open very deeply. It’s like I want him to dive into my soul, my ocean, and wrap him in the love and crazy passion that resides there.
Oh, so, what you’re saying is if I didn’t feel this I’d be closing? Ok, but that’s pretty hard to keep doing on a daily basis….isn’t it? Isn’t this not letting him go?
No, this is being real, being open, feeling the depth of that love….inside me. At the beginning and the end of any relationship, this is inside me. Now, is an awesome opportunity to feel those depths; own them, presence them.
Love and sex are two of the biggest motivating forces in our lives. That and the seeking for meaning. They impel our very raison d’etre.
After a few weeks of letting myself go into the depths, I’m starting to turn the love back towards myself. I’ve started eating great food, exercising, dancing etc. and spending a LOT of time with friends, just being in their company, feeling their joy, their love and care.
Other ways we go through a broken-heart catharsis is by doing things like drinking too much, eating the “wrong” things, watching romantic comedies, sleeping a lot, staying in bed, being alone. This is all fine, except the being alone bit. We heal faster when we let ourselves be held through this experience.
I’ve had my heart broken twice before in my life.
The first time, it took me 15 years to open again…because I closed so hard. The second time it took me 2 years of utter pain to overcome…but I stayed open. This time…well, we’ll see how long it will take, but I will stay open.
Oh, by the way, if you were wondering what happened, he went back to his ex. Whaaaaat? you say. I added this not for the touch of drama (well maybe a little), but to remind us that we are never in control of what another person will do, who they choose to be with, what they want. No blame, honestly, he was the sweetest guy, and that relationship just hadn’t run its course. It would have been a pointless fight, and if there is one thing I am it’s a warrior for love!
So, where am I? I am open; I feel the massive capacity inside myself to love and be loved. When I feel desire inside me, I feel life buzzing under my skin, its desire to keep moving and opening, living and loving.
When I am open; I am free.